


forgive him my trespasses

by moonymindpalace



Series: god save (nct town boys au) [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Small Town, Angst, Coming of Age, Friendship/Love, Heartbreak, Jaemin has issues, Jeno is nothing but consequence, M/M, Mark and Donghyuck are mentioned and appear by the end, Minor mentions of alcohol and smoking, Renjun isn't anything like he first looks like, Teen Angst, Ten is The Best, The 00 Line is of age
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 15:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15910962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonymindpalace/pseuds/moonymindpalace
Summary: They had been best friends, once, since Renjun arrived in town, still tender and vulnerable after losing his mother, way before Renjun became a no-man’s-land and got kicked out by his grandparents. But still, they were always together, wearing their friendship with whatever little pride they had. In hindsight, maybe they’d always been a disaster waiting to happen.It took Jaemin a while to realize what bothered him so much about not being Renjun’s best anymore was a feeling carved deep inside him, like lines in his heart chords, on the trees of his lungs. He loved Renjun.





	forgive him my trespasses

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after struggling through three different versions, then forgot about it, then months later found it back and realized it's the Coming of Age I've been trying to write for YEARS. I hope you enjoy this angsty and bittersweet ride.

You’re the only one who knows about this.

Ten didn’t react in any visible way to Jaemin confessing that to him. Jaemin wanted him to say something but wasn’t sure what. Maybe he just wanted to be sure someone else, beside himself, knew.

Minutes passed before Ten turned a page on his book and spoke up.

It’s only natural, I suppose, for you to feel betrayed. He used to be your best friend and now stole your boyfriend, he said without looking up.

But Renjun hadn’t stolen Jaemin’s boyfriend. And Jaemin was feeling betrayed for a whole other reason. They had been best friends, once, since Renjun arrived in town, still tender and vulnerable after losing his mother, way before Renjun became a no-man’s-land and got kicked out by his grandparents. But still, they were always together, wearing their friendship with whatever little pride they had. In hindsight, maybe they’d always been a disaster waiting to happen.

Jaemin hadn’t been able to take his eyes off them, their thighs pressed together, their shoulders touching, Renjun’s hand coming up to steal the cigarette from between Jeno’s lips. But he hadn’t felt anything for Jeno, who he was still technically dating.

*

Renjun called Jaemin his best friend until he was seventeen, then he stopped. He made new friends, but none of them were ever called his best, and he still hung out with Jaemin, still came over to the gas station store when Jaemin was working the counter. Jaemin’s parents were too strict, too suffocating, always trying to shelter him because he was too young, or too sick, or too weak.

He missed Renjun’s 18th birthday party and the day after, was only saved by Donghyuck coming over to talk his ear off about some boy he’d kissed there. Renjun didn’t come and wasn’t at school, either, when Jaemin got better and could go back to class.

It took him a while to realize what bothered him so much about not being Renjun’s best anymore was a feeling carved deep inside him, like lines in his heart chords, on the trees of his lungs. He loved Renjun.

It was easier thought than said, the feeling stirring inside him for so long, stirring and mixing with every cell of his body until nothing else besides Renjun, the way Renjun talked, the way he blinked, how his hands moved, everything he said, filled Jaemin’s life.

He confessed to the walls, the store shelves, the school textbooks, Donghyuck when he couldn’t handle being the only person to know anymore. Hyuck had nothing to say to him, no reaction at all. Jaemin didn’t care, he just wanted to be sure someone beside himself knew.

No one saw their downfall coming, not even Jaemin, because he couldn’t see the future, couldn’t possibly imagine Renjun randomly taking up a life like that. He had nothing to say as Renjun showed up with boy after boy, hanging off their well-dressed arms, sitting in their designer jeans clad laps, unbothered by the town gossip and the hostility.

Everyone heard Jaemin’s ugly words tinted with jealousy, but still they didn’t realize Renjun heard then too, didn’t foresee how angry he could be. How Renjun couldn’t understand jealousy even when Jaemin told and spelled out to him he was in love with him.

Spring was touching the world and making the town ablaze with chirping birds, but Jaemin only heard his own heart breaking, and never heard Renjun’s soul hurting.

*

Jeno was nothing but consequence. Not a cause on himself, not much love left for him on Jaemin’s ever bleeding heart. Their dates reminded him of when Renjun dated the pretty girls with swirly dresses from school, his own coyness reminiscent of their blushing passions for a (then) innocent and gentle Renjun. He dated Jeno for entertainment and to piss off his parents, taking advantage of Jeno’s natural ability to forget about rules and act reckless.

It was inconstant and short-lived, and they never officially broke up when Jeno left for college and Jaemin was left to work the counter and pretend to listen to his mum. When Jeno came back for summer they still did the things they always did: kiss, eat too much, run to the fields beyond the train tracks and come back at two in the morning. Jaemin missed Hyuck, and Jeno missed Mark. They liked each other, but still.

So, when he saw Jeno and Renjun glued to each other and the way Jeno touched Renjun’s waist, when he more felt than heard what they were whispering to each other on that low wall bathed in street light, he wasn’t jealous because Jeno wasn’t with him. He felt disgusted at himself, because Renjun dated older boys and slept at their houses, did what other people would call walks of shame with level eyes and nonchalance, while Jaemin was stuck with his weak body and weaker heart.

*

Jaemin’s life had always been physically broken: his twisted spine, his father’s debts, his mother’s promises to allow him something or other when he was _older_. The three of them lived in an ocean of noise, each of them an island, distant and out of touch with the others not for lack of feeling, but out of inability to connect.

He was aware he still was somewhat privileged among his friends. His parents were distant, but sane, unlike Donghyuk’s. They were nagging, but caring, unlike Jeno’s. They were nosy, but alive, unlike Renjun’s. He remembered how shocking it was to know someone with no parents _at all_ , when Renjun first arrived. To look at someone so similar to him and know that person had lost father, mother, sister, forever, and those people were under the ground somewhere turning into skeletons. He never talked about the skeleton part, but once Renjun said something about it, about his family being dead long enough for them to be fertilizer. They were morbid, sure, but not on purpose. Being graphic just helped make reality more real.

They never spoke about their pains. Jaemin’s growing restlessness and frustration were as silent as Renjun’s misery and abandon. Somewhere along the line they buried themselves so deep they didn’t know each other, they stood side by side but could as well be on different galaxies, distant stars.

*

Jeno still came for him, as tall and handsome as ever, smile brighter than the white lights on the store’s ceiling. Jaemin wanted to hate him, but hate comes from hurt, and nothing about Jeno hurt him. He, too, was an island on that ocean of noise.

The only one not on the ocean was Renjun, because he was so, so far away, when all Jaemin wanted was for him to be his own island, to make beaches of crooked smiles and fish shoals of twinkling eyes.

*

I don’t understand the two of you, Ten said one evening when he stopped by to “feed Johnny’s baby” a.k.a. put gas in the motorcycle.

He’d just told Jaemin he heard Jeno’s voice late at night in Renjun’s room downstairs behind the motor shop, with a worried frown etched in his face, but Jaemin just shrugged.

I don’t get why I still see you and Jeno around when he’s clearly cheating on you.

There was no way to easily explain Jeno was just a distraction to him. There was no easy way to convey his domino effect of heartbreak, but he tried, and Ten listened, understanding less and less.

What’s Jeno made of that he managed to score you, Hyuck and Injun?, was his first question, and Jaemin laughed until he had tears in his eyes.

He genuinely had no idea what Jeno had besides some good looks and literally the trashiest parents in the world, but he did, indeed, “score” all three of them, multiple times.

Hyuck was the first to notice I liked Injunnie, he confessed, that’s why he still did Jeno back then, but he thinks I’m over Renjun now. Everyone does. You’re the only one who knows, hyung.

*

Jeno himself showed up the following day, jet black hair plastered to his face with sweat, eyes bright.

I’m fucking pissed, he said, sitting in the curb. You know Taeyong-hyung went to Japan last week and only comes back next year, right? Mother just looked up during lunch today and asked me “when is your brother travelling abroad?” when he literally _already did_.

They sat in silence for a long time, just breathing, not touching. Jeno eventually cooled down and buried his head between his knees.

I miss Mark-hyung and Taeyong-hyung, he said, but they probably don’t miss me. They’re here for Donghyuck and Jaehyun-hyung, and you’re here for Renjun, and Renjun’s not even here.

Jaemin nodded, glad Jeno understood, even if Renjun “not being here” was something he, too, couldn’t grasp.

I wish I was in love with you and you in love with me, it’d be so much easier, Jeno said, still not looking at him. And Jaemin took pity and put a hand between his shoulder blades.

I suppose not everyone manages to find the love of their lives and elope.

Like Mark-hyung and Hyuck?

Yes. But that’s not us, let’s just deal with it.

You don’t care? Or are you pretending you don’t care? I never know.

Jaemin shook his head, helpless.

I don’t know either, he said, I’ve been pretending for so long I’m starting to believe myself.

*

His birthday fell on a Monday and as a gift his parents let him sleep in. That’s why when he woke up paralyzed and dizzy with pain he was home alone and helpless, unable to find any comfortable position or way to get out of bed, frustrated and painful tears streaming down his face.

He heard someone knock on the door, the bell ring, but even if it was literally God himself, unless some magic happened he couldn’t do anything. He considered calling his parents but that part of him that was always angry at them refused to, because he was exhausted of being pitied and coddled. He wanted the pain to stop, not his mother’s nagging about his posture or whatever. His phone started to ring with the same insistency of the doorbell, and he found out with another wave of dizziness that his arm wasn’t really working.

Ten-hyung, I’m in bed, get the spare key under the mat, please, he cried into the speaker, and a few minutes later Ten was soothing him, grabbing his painkillers and an ice pack.

Only some time later, when the blur in his eyes had faded and he could breathe properly again, he noticed the boy trailing behind Ten. He was small and young, with big startled eyes. Jaemin had never seen him before.

This is Chenle, Ten said upon noticing his look, he’s my student.

Ten taught at the English School downtown, and usually had very little familiarity with his students, middle-class brats that thought themselves superior to their immigrant teacher. This boy, whoever, didn’t look bratty, even if his clothes were of good quality and he had a chubby face only well-fed kids have.

Hello, the boy said, stilted, nice to meet you.

Jaemin smiled and greeted him back, trying to hide the shame of having cried in front of a complete stranger. Ten went to the kitchen, but Chenle didn’t follow him this time around.

You are Renjun-hyung's friend?, the boy asked, and Jaemin frowned, puzzled. He didn’t know if he was still Renjun’s friend, really.

Renjun-hyung is teaching Korean to me every day, he told to me he has a friend with back problem.

Jaemin nodded, saying yes, he was that friend. He felt vaguely confused. Why was Renjun talking about him to this new Chinese boy? And how come the boy was Chinese but looked so well off? The other Chinese immigrants in town were usually poor and ragged, like Sicheng, or at best simply alright, like Kun. This boy, on the other hand, had an Apple Watch.

He’s giving you private classes?

Yes, I am in last year of school, can’t fail it, right? Hyung is good, he helps my homework.

How did you find him?

Ten-hyung thought he would be good.

Ten had always been the type to try and help people on their own grounds. He never tried to convince Donghyuck to move away from his parents’ house, but welcomed him every time, fed and nurtured him, until eventually Hyuck had made the decision himself. With Renjun he followed the same path, only hinting and stirring him in better directions.

The painkillers reached full effect then, and he felt pleasantly soft and sleepy, giving one last smile to Chenle before falling into a dreamless sleep. Sometime after, he heard Ten calling him, heard his voice and Chenle’s, something about work, but couldn’t bother to fully wake up, only nod and blink, satisfied with Ten’s hand petting his hair.

He woke up to Chenle’s voice, again, this time laughing. He had a funny laugh, incredibly high and illogically sardonic for someone so sweet. Another voice followed, too low to be recognized, but definitely not Ten’s. It wasn’t Johnny’s either, nor Jeno’s. Thankfully, Ten hadn’t even suggested calling his parents, so it was very unlikely to be a doctor.

Forcefully opening his eyes, it took some time for him to see anything beyond colourful spots, but when he did, he thought his sleep had just changed and he was dreaming now.

Look, hyung is waking, Chenle said, and the vision in shape of Huang Renjun turned around to face Jaemin.

There was not a single trace of anger or blankness on his face, only some concern. Jaemin could barely remember the last time Renjun had looked at him in such a _normal_ way, and he felt split up between wishing for it to be a dream, so he wouldn’t have to face his ex-best friend or to be reality, so he could enjoy being with Renjun again.

How are you feeling? Any dizziness? Cramps? Can you move your arms?, Renjun asked, like he used to years ago, like he never left.

I, ah, I will get another ice pack, Chenle said swiftly and left the room, leaving behind only the stuffy silence of Jaemin’s jumbled feelings.

Ten-hyung had to go to work, I came so Chenle wouldn’t be alone.

It had been a little over two years without speaking, and Renjun sounded the same, but a little different. More confident, louder. His voice was unsure but still ringed and bounced off the walls, filling the whole room.

Are you really alright?, he asked, and Jaemin nodded, still speechless. Chenle came back with the ice packs and arranged them while throwing a blinding smile at Renjun.

Why do I feel like I’m being played by the two people that can _actually_ manipulate me?, Renjun sighed, and Chenle only laughed, but Jaemin, being older and knowing Renjun for longer, realized the undercurrent of bitterness in the words.

Chenle, could you take my wallet and go to the store on the corner to buy me that choco milk they have on display, please?, he asked, struggling to keep his own face blank.

The boy obliged easily, insisting to buy with his own money, and disappeared downstairs. Renjun was now busy looking out the window, face attentive like he was supervising Chenle’s ability to cross the road.

He’s adorable. Chenle, that is, Jaemin started, eager for Renjun to look at him again, but he didn’t.

Yeah, he’s a quick learner too. Ten-hyung put us together, I go to his house everyday to tutor him a little, his mum is really nice, that type like Mark-hyung's mum, you know? He’s got a baby sister, too. They’re very lovely people.

Jaemin nodded. As usual, with Renjun, he talked a lot but said very little. Still, Jaemin understood. He liked Chenle’s company, thought his mum was a good person, and missed his own baby sister. Renjun was very simple on the surface, but awfully messy underneath.

You think we’re playing you?, he asked, and this time around Renjun turned to look at him.

Chenle is not the type, but he tricked me pretty well into coming here today. And you’ve always played me, Jaemin, it’s not like it’s new to you, you know that.

Have I?

Yes? You know me better than any other person alive, probably, and you always used it to make me get around whatever was the deal.

I know I know you, but I never did any of those things on purpose, Jun!

See? You’re doing it right now! ‘Cos you’re ill and you know I won’t yell and leave you because you’re bed bound, so you just suppose I’ll agree with you an' avoid a fight. I’m tired of this, okay? This why I stopped talking to you, dick’ead! That last stunt was the last straw, you’re no better than me to play me aroun' like that!

What last stunt?

Wha'? You don’t know, now? Pretty boy Na Jaemin is so good at this he can’t even remember the lies he tells people to get his way.

Renjun, c’mon, please!

You gonna pretend you genuinely forgot you told me you was in love with me jus' 'cos I was pissed 'cos you called me a whore?

Still paralyzed, all Jaemin could do was blink in the wake of true anger inside Renjun, transparent on his flushed face, on the sudden shift on his accent, because Renjun, like Donghyuck, had spent so much time around the cool kids from public school he usually spoke like them, too, and not like his hideous grandparents from beyond the tracks.

You thought I was lying?, Jaemin asked, clutching his bedsheets to help absorb the shock.

Still think.

But I wasn’t!

Oh, really?

Jaemin missed many things about Renjun, but his cynical streak wasn’t one of them. Sighing, he pushed himself up a little to sit on the bed and grit his teeth.

I was jealous of you, okay? Because I’ve liked you, been in _love_ with you, for God knows how long, and you were going out with all those boys, and they all looked better than me, and you didn’t even look at me _once_. And when I told you, okay, I know I shouldn’t have called you that, but I was fucking seventeen and angry as fuck, okay? But I was telling the truth, and you just scoffed and laughed and stopped talking to me, and still went out with the boys, he said, and tried to swallow a lump in his throat and look strong and defiant like the boys Renjun liked.

Chenle came back into the room to find Jaemin crying and Renjun trying to make him stop, and from behind his tears Jaemin saw the boy pouring two mugs of choco milk and leaving them on the bedside table before going away.

Renjun fell asleep beside him on the bed after the both of them calmed down, and hours later Jaemin had to fight his mum for not calling her to tell he was sick in hushed tones to avoid waking him up. They stayed there, together, until a new sun rose, and Renjun wasn’t really that different, but his voice didn’t sound the same when he called Jaemin “Nana” like he used to.

*

He’d never hung out with both Jeno and Renjun at the same time, but after him and Jeno were officially finished and Renjun was back to his friend group, he saw them together a lot. He forgot Jeno was Renjun’s friend first, always stuck associating him with Mark, because he hadn’t attended the famous party Ten held for Renjun’s 18th birthday where Jeno and Donghyuck made out, way before Mark started reciprocating Hyuck’s feelings.

He didn’t tell Renjun he still liked him. Their friendship felt too tender and fragile for him to jump the gun, and he tried to hold back and enjoy just be with Renjun again, talk to him, hear his laugh and his sass.

But Renjun and Jeno together were... Something else. They didn’t do anything specific, but Jaemin felt out of their loop, like he was watching a movie, instead of seeing real people. Renjun was different from what he was two years before, but with Jeno the difference was more noticeable, how he crossed his arms and talked more, how his laugh turned even more sarcastic.

They were on five when he first realized, Jaemin, Renjun, Chenle, Jeno and Chenle’s friend Jisung on the football field behind the train station. Jaemin was decent at the game when he was healthy, and the younger boys liked to play. Jeno had very little talent and Renjun was the king of losing, so they stayed on the side. During one of their breaks Renjun bullied Jeno into trying some moves, the simplest ever, and he still managed to miss some.

The younger boys laughed, too, but Renjun’s sharp teeth were on full display as he sat back down with crossed arms and a snide “wow these moves are so complex” remark. It was like a fire blazer on full capacity, the way he smiled, and Jaemin stopped running for a second to enjoy. Jeno passed him, eyes practically closed as he smiled, too, and they barely looked at each other.

*

For the first time, he was invited to Sicheng’s birthday.

Renjun and Sicheng had met after the big fallout with Jaemin, so Jaemin didn’t really know him, only heard about him. He was lithe, Chinese, a bit shy and quite sardonic. Jaemin could see why Renjun liked him so much. He was also older than them, and his birthday consisted of basically cheap alcohol and random snacks. Chenle and Jisung were _apparently_ drinking something else, but only for appearance’s sake, because their eyes were too bright for them to be sober.

Don’t you think it’s bad for the boys?, he asked Ten.

It’s better, I mean, less bad, if they try it here in front of us to care for them, then somewhere else on their own or with their dumb school mates.

In the end, Jaemin was the one needing care.

He didn’t drink often, so he had no idea where his turning point was, didn’t know he could go from zero to sixty with a single shot, change from tipsy to about to blackout in a gulp.

The room was glowing softly, and his hands were warm when he found Renjun and hugged him close.

What’s up, Nana?

He loved Renjun, really loved, he was his favourite person in the whole world, the embodiment of all his dreams, but he missed his old Renjun, when he was still young and shy, when Jaemin’s whole life could revolve around him. He missed how he could hug him all the time and kiss his cheeks and think nothing of it, have no poisonous butterflies in his stomach telling him to kiss him in the lips and confess his love. He tried and tried but could never find the way to fall out of love with Renjun, to let go of all the desperate feelings he had every time they were close and all he could think about was touching him, kissing him, having him forever.

*

He didn’t realize he said that all out loud right to Renjun’s face until the next day, when he woke up with Johnny shaking him softly and offering him water with a strained face. He didn’t remember what happened at the party after his confession, but slowly the memories came back and he sat there on Johnny’s couch and pressed his hands to his eyes.

I can’t remember what he said back, he sighed, and Johnny sat back beside him.

He just said you were drunk. But he didn’t laugh, if that’s what you’re worried about.

I’m worried about ruining our friendship, hyung.

Renjun’s got a good head on his shoulders, he knows you were being sincere, so I don’t think it’ll come to that. Maybe it’ll just be a little awkward.

I don’t want awkward. Not so soon after getting him back.

*

I asked Ten-hyung if Chenle’s mum knew, you know, why I was kicked out of my grandparent's house, Renjun said later that day, in his tiny bedroom downstairs. He only had a mattress on the floor and a big carton box serving as a closet, and nothing suggested he’d been living there for over a year.

And what did hyung say?

That she didn’t know. But I could choose to tell her, he said.

_I don’t want to lie and hide things from people I care about_ , he meant. Jaemin, too used to Renjun’s way of expressing his thoughts, didn’t even blink.

She was so _nice_ about it, Nana. Said they were to shame for shunning me when all I had was them, that me liking boys as well as girls wasn’t a flaw of character, just something I felt for some people. So, I told her, the other part.

What other part?

I’ve dated a lot of people, he continued, as if Jaemin hadn’t even asked anything. I go out with them for some time, and with the girls it was mostly sweet stuff and giggly fun, like the fair or the school carnival. With the boys it’s more like a wild ride. Some of them are dumb, but others are so _lovely_ , adorable and caring. But I never fell in love, you know?

No, Jaemin didn’t know. He couldn’t imagine going out with so many people and having feelings for none of them, ever.

I told Chenle’s mum and, I mean, you’ve got to remember Chinese is my mother tongue, Korean is like I rebound I never asked for, and I told her _in Chinese_ , and she got it, Nana, she understands me and she said, like, that there’s nothing wrong with me, that don’t have to beat myself up if I don’t feel anything romantic for anyone, if I just connect with people by friendship or attraction, as long as I don’t fool or purposefully hurt anyone.

That was what he said. What he meant, even as Jaemin could understand it as clear as day, was something bigger and deeper, something that sounded like a swift and silent rejection. But Jaemin was tired of silences.

Isn’t it a matter of, like, opening up? Or finding the right person?, he asked, playing dumb, pretending he couldn’t read between the lines.

I dated Xuxi, Nana, seriously. That boy is a fucking Casanova but he’s the most lovable person alive, he spent a grand on Hyuck’s birthday present just 'cos we were going together, he came out to the whole town by _kissing Jungwoo-hyung in the grocery store_! And I’d climb him with my fucking _teeth_ , but that’s it, I didn’t feel anything even with how much I think he’s fantastic.

Nodding, Jaemin tried to keep standing, to keep living as if his feelings hadn’t been thrown out of the window with barely a glance.

So that’s a no?

I don’t wanna fool you. You’ve been my friend for so many years and what you said... What you feel... It’s pretty big, deep, and it’s not fair to lead you on when I just don’t feel these kinds of things.

But if you felt...

There’s no what ifs in this case, Jaemin-ah. If I was different many other things would be different as well. You’re in love with your feelings for me, not with me on the flesh.

That’s not true!, he protested, only then realizing they were nearly whispering.

You said it yourself, you miss a version of me that’s years behind us, you want _that_ time back, the spark you felt when you first started having feelings for me. That’s not how it works, you either want the person as they are right now, or you don’t. And I’m not stupid, you don’t want me, it’s a teen crush you blew up to love, and we’re not teenagers anymore.

You don’t want me..., Jaemin hesitated, 'cos I don’t want you... for sex?

That’s not what I said.

It’s what you meant.

_Stop_ trying to guess what I mean. I mean what I’m saying, not some convoluted words between it! You’re riding on an illusion, and there’s no real attraction between us, and you live life as if it has no consequences, Jaemin, as if you know some ulterior motive behind the Universe, but you don’t! So yeah, it’s a no, because you’re my friend, and I care for you, so I ain’t gonna lie and “try” anything just to break your heart.

It’s fucking rich of you to be so noble and not want to break my heart when you fucked around with my fucking boyfriend all the time!

A millisecond after opening his mouth Jaemin realized he did what he had sworn not to before coming in, he just lost his mind and threw Renjun under the tracks like the spoiled boy with touchy feelings he was. But Renjun, uncharacteristically, just frowned.

Who?

Jeno!, Jaemin replied, grinding his teeth to keep himself from lashing out.

Jeno? What are you on about?

Renjun had never been the type to lie. He’d been kicked out of home because he _couldn’t_ lie, and the whole town slandered him because he didn’t hide, had no shame of his own personality. So Jaemin never in a million years though he could lie with such shamelessness.

I saw you, okay? On the rocks, in June! And on the factory wall! And Ten-hyung heard his voice right here, in this room, late at night. Literally everyone knows Jeno cheated on me with you, but I never cared, you know why? Because it was you, and I wasn’t hurt because of Jeno, I don’t fucking care about Lee Jeno, I was hurt because it was you, going out with literally _everyone but me_.

Looking up to see the downfall of Renjun’s lies, he was surprised to find him with a face of complete disgust, instead of guilt.

Sometimes I forget how selfish you are, Jaemin, Renjun whispered. Because I’m your friend so you care about me, I forget how you can use people and not spare them a glance. Jeno and I... The last and _only_ time we had anything, was years ago, before you and I stopped talking, before Hyuck kissed him, fucking months before you started dating him or even met him. We’re _friends_ , Jaemin. He trusts me and comes to me when something trashy happens at his house, because I listen to him and I don’t judge, because I just want him to be alright and happy. You had no right to use him like that, and to make things look like this. I’ve been friends with him for years, and he misses Mark-hyung now, you know that, and even before, there’s things Mark-hyung didn’t understand, but I did, and that’s all.

Oh, really? That’s not how it looks with the way he looks at you.

But that’s the true. You claim to know me so well, to be able to understand things I’m not even saying, so go figure how you don’t know I don’t lie, specially not to you, and not about Jeno. Because unlike you I fucking care a lot for Lee Jeno.

*

Jaemin apologized three days later.

November arrived and Renjun was always busy with Chenle, helping him with his tests and projects, helping him memorize his lines on the musical the drama club was putting up.

At the end of the month Jaemin stopped by the motor shop. Ten was busting around the flat, upstairs, taking off his earrings and piercings, combing his hair back, ironing his uniform shirt.

It was an out of life experience to see Ten without his sequined clothes, no high heeled boots, bare faced, the nail polish he had on the weekend when he came to the gas station nowhere to be seen. Jaemin couldn't understand how someone so unique could pretend to be so ordinary.

I gotta pay the bills, love, Ten said, as if it was that simple. Besides, those are just clothes and painting, I could be dressed as a fucking kangaroo and I'd still be myself. At the end of the day I take everything off, both the makeup or the uniform, and I'm still the same man, with the same feelings. I love myself, I love my husband, my cats, the family I've built here. That's what I tried teaching Donghyuck and Renjun. I can’t tell you what to do, you’ve got parents for this, but I can say you gotta built your own savvy. This town is horrible to people like us, but it holds a piece of home to me, everyone I love lives or came from here. No false sense of security is worth leaving my people.

What Ten's trying, to say, I think, Johnny piped from where he was, sprawled on an armchair, is that you gotta sort your priorities. See people and things for what they are, not what you suppose they are.

Yes! What's important, Nana, is you taking the reins of what you can control, that is: you, and there's no guarantee things will turn up alright, but no matter the outcome, that's yours. No one is gonna save you from whatever it is that you're running from, with this mad chase for Renjun. It’s trapped inside of you, so learn to live with it or learn to ignore it.

*

He didn’t need to reach too deep within himself to know what he was running from, because he’d always known. Jaemin was the type of person to need something he didn’t have just to use it as an excuse to move. Throughout his childhood he’d tormented his parents for a million things any of his friends had but he didn’t, pestering them to buy that thing for him, all too well knowing they wouldn’t because them simply couldn’t afford much beyond their basic needs and the infinitude of doctors to try to fix Jaemin’s faulty spine.

His spine was never fixed, and he still chased after what he couldn’t have just for kicks, or otherwise he’d be just another sickly kid working the counter all day because it was the only job he could stay sit and under his mother’s watch all the time.

Frustration, as much as it hurt, fuelled him in some way, justified the emptiness inside of him without blaming it on his own choices and traits.

*

New Year’s arrived, making him a little older and much wasted, life slipping through his fingers as he downed some fruity cocktail on the balcony of Johnny and Ten’s flat. Chenle and Jisung were at their respective homes, but Donghyuck had come back with Mark, the two of them still stuck together and bickering as it had been all their lives.

The flat was really small, but it fit them all, plus Lucas and his boyfriend, Sicheng, Jeno, Kun, and Johnny’s friends Doyoung and Taeil.

He went into the kitchen to get more food the very second Mark was saying “you’re different” to Jeno, Doyoung sitting with them by the table and quietly nibbling on a muffing.

You’re sounding more like a normal person and not some reckless lunatic, Mark added. What happened?

Taeyong-hyung is moving to America with Jaehyun-hyung. He said he’d rather live off scraps than stand our parents.

And you don’t agree?, Doyoung asked.

I do. I agree a lot with him, but I can’t do something like that, ship myself away and never look back.

Not even to China?, Mark asked, but Jeno shook his head. Puzzled, Jaemin kept listening, but they didn’t say anything else for quite some time.

I guess I’ll become a paediatrician or emergency doctor or something equally low paying instead of a surgeon like dad just to piss them off. It’s enough, innit?

Your choice, mate. Don’t do anything just 'cos someone is telling you to, keep your own pace. I suppose you’ve learnt how to do this now, with the whole...

Mark didn’t finish, and Jaemin gave up on eavesdropping.

The food was really good, made by Donghyuck, mostly, because he’d always been a good cook and now was waiting tables at a restaurant and learning new recipes.

They did the countdown on the living room with the shitty KBS broadcast on TV and whatever drink they had in hand. Because Fate loved to laugh at his face, Renjun was right beside him.

Can I ask you something?, he asked, and Renjun shrugged, like he knew he would.

Can I kiss you? Just this once.

They stood there in silence, but when the countdown reached three Renjun stepped closer and tilted his face up.

Like in a dream, he let his hands slide through Renjun’s dark hair and pressed their mouths together, remembering all the times he felt the need to do _that_ burn his insides, trying to make it up to himself, to somehow convince Renjun of doing that again.

But Renjun didn’t kiss like he imagined. He didn’t fight for dominance, didn’t pour any fire on Jaemin’s veins, didn’t claim and take like he did as a person. The kiss was limp, like he was thinking of something else, and Jaemin barely deepened it.

The TV was a hurricane of colour and sound, and the people around them were shooting confetti and laughing. Renjun looked at him and winked, made of light and heat, but none of that light reached him, and he felt colder than ever.

*

It was still snowing but Renjun told him they were at the park. As soon as Jaemin turned the corner he saw Chenle at the head of a stone table, Jeno’s head laying on the surface in front of him and Renjun beside him fiddling with something on his hands. Up closer, he realized Jeno was explaining some Biology topic to Chenle while Renjun played with a sealed pack of Marlboros, obviously Jeno’s.

It worried him, to see his friends sucking on straight-up cancer, but none of them were the type to listen to advice. He’d been trying to let go of his nagging worries for ages, but never could, not completely.

Renjun-ah, put that away before the kid gets any ideas, he said in lieu of a greeting, but Renjun just laughed.

Chenle’s got thrice the brains any of us got, besides, his mum would kill him, he said. He was beside Jeno, but they didn’t seem to be acknowledging each other.

Hyu-u-ung, Chenle whined, can I call Jisung now? Jeno-hyung says I’m finished.

Nope, now you’ll explain everything to me in Korean, Renjun said.

But I _don’t want to_!

And I don’t want to third wheel you kids, c’mon.

I third wheel you all the time, _please_.

Jeno’s head was still on the table, and how could he even stand it? The stone was fucking freezing! But now he’d turned his face to Renjun, who had his eyebrows climbing up his forehead.

Start explaining or I’ll choke you and you’ll do the dishes for the rest of the week, Renjun said, eyes fixed on Chenle.

Renjun’s relationship with Chenle was interesting. Because Renjun’s age was technically the same as Jeno, Donghyuck and Jaemin’s own, and all the others were older than them, Renjun had never played the big brother role, except when his sister was still alive, back in China. With Chenle he was this contradictory mix of permissive and nagging, keeping the boy at bay on some really inappropriate stuff like alcohol and sex talk, and demanding his full attention to everything that had to do with school, which was ironic, because Renjun _hated_ class and studying when they were in school.

But Jaemin knew, too, he hated it so much because it held no significance to him. Renjun didn’t have the means to pursue any college related career, no financial support to try and grow as a student, despite being intelligent. Unlike Jaemin, who could bully his parents onto paying him web college.

Forty minutes later Chenle was done explaining after being interrupted and corrected by Jeno countless times. Jeno stood up and stuck out a hand. Automatically, Renjun broke open the cigarette pack and put one stick on Jeno’s hand.

I’ll be right back, he said, and Renjun hummed in response, still reading Chenle’s notes to see if he’d spelled everything right.

Five minutes later and Jaemin was wondering what the fuck he was doing there beside freeze his butt and fourth wheel the NoRenLe study group.

Can Chenle call Jisung already?, asked Jeno from behind them, I can drive him there.

Renjun turned slightly and passed the notebook back to Chenle.

Okay, he said, eyes on Jeno, who came closer, half-finished cigarette between his fingers. Without a word he reached forward and put it on Renjun’s mouth, Jaemin’s heart skipping a beat when he saw Jeno’s fingers pressing so softly to Renjun’s lips.

Jeno-hyung is so _good_ at Biology, groaned Chenle, and Jaemin looked at him just to force himself to look away from that _thing_ he was sure was happening right beside him.

It’s not like he’s studying to be a _doctor_ or anything, eh, Chenle, he snorted, and crunched some snow under his boot.

*

I’m not seeing things, hyung!

Ten shook his head and kept dropping crisp packs on the counter.

What did I tell you last time? See things for what they are, not what you suppose of them. Did they kiss? Or did something intimate?

No, but-

It might as well be their dynamic as friends, maybe they’re just comfortable with each other’s touch, it’s not unheard of. It’s Jeno, Nana, he looks like he’s flirting even with me, and I’m married to a giant biker.

Jaemin grit his teeth and tried to stand straight, the space between his shoulder blades screaming in protest.

Renjun hasn’t told you anything?, he insisted.

Renjun doesn’t tell anything to anyone, ever. Not even to Donghyuck. But I know you two kissed on New Year’s, because I saw it.

Yeah.

So?

It didn’t mean anything, right? We’re still just friends, he just kissed me and let go.

Well, Ten said, gruffly because he didn’t agree with Johnny eating so much shit but still couldn’t resist him and bought everything he shouldn’t. Maybe you should let go, too. At least you got one kiss, it’s more than most people with unattainable crushes get.

But-

And learn to not jump to conclusions, Jaemin-ah. Not all of them will be right and you can get truly screwed over it one of these days.

*

And just when Jaemin was learning to not be right, he was _very_ right.

He went to the motor shop on a Friday, ready to drag Renjun with him to the new cafe beside the gym, and saw them. Jeno had one hand on Renjun's waist and the other tucked in his own pocket. Renjun's arms were crossed, keeping him against the cold, because he wasn't properly wrapped up.

I ain't promising anything, Renjun was saying, and Jeno nodded.

I know, he said, and took his right hand out of his pocket, pulled Renjun closer.

But it's different, now. You know it, right?, Renjun whispered.

Yeah.

I didn't know, before. If I did...

It's alright, it's no one's duty to guess other people’s feelings.

Wow, Renjun laughed, low and sassy. So deep.

Wanna see how deep?, Jeno asked, always so flirty, so honey voiced. Jaemin didn't stay to listen to Renjun's reply, or for how long they laughed. Didn't look back to see them kiss.

*

But he saw it, nevertheless. Renjun didn't tell anything to him, or to anyone, really, but he arrived at the riverside one day to ice skate and found them, melted on each other, glued together from head to toe, Renjun's body nearly bending backwards, his arms loosely around Jeno's neck, letting him do all the work. Apparently, that really was how he kissed.

With Jaemin it hadn't worked, and he still felt hot in the face at how awkward they had been on the New Year’s, how unfit they were for each other.

But with Jeno it looked like fire and gasoline. That day, Jaemin started to understand and let go, just like Ten had told him to.

*

Jaemin had been to Chenle’s house a few times, but never to a party, because the boy didn’t celebrate his birthday. It was a nicely sized home, but the lights made it look bigger, almost like a fairy mansion. Chenle’s mum was practically glowing with pride in her red dress that matched her daughter’s. Chenle himself was still in his uniform after the graduation ceremony, shouting something while hugging Renjun so tight he couldn’t even move. He was probably killing Renjun’s ear.

The rest of them arrived at the same time as Jaemin, Ten walking straight to Chenle’s mum to hug her and congratulate her. Jaemin got it, she managed to raise and educate a child on a different country, right after losing her husband. And the child was a really great guy.

Chenle shouted some more and ran around everyone, forced them to eat, was pestered by his baby sister, bullied Renjun into singing something in Mandarin for the total delight of the audience and killed both of Johnny’s ears before settling down with Jisung on the videogame.

Jaemin joined them, trying to force some competitiveness on the youngest, who seemed decided to let Chenle win everything because he owned the party.

Some of Chenle’s friends arrived later, with their own parents. The kids were nice, funny, sassy, loud. Over their noise, Jaemin barely noticed Jeno sitting on the couch with Renjun on his lap.

*

On Spring Mark and Hyuck visited again and threw a little party to celebrate Mark reaching half of his college time.

I’m thinking of pursuing a career on music production, Mark said over the kitchen counter. I can’t teach and being a stage artist is... a bit out of the question.

Jaemin asked why, because Mark’d always been optimistic about most things. Ruling things out before even trying wasn’t his style.

Too unstable. I’m my parent’s only child, and there’s Hyuck to consider, too. I can’t afford a career that gives no guarantees to them, and isn’t like I’m settling for less, working on the studio is amazing too.

It’s sweet how Mark’s upbringing shines through his personality even after everything, Johnny said beside him, and Hyuck nodded happily.

They were clearly happy, even if a little tired and ragged, growing up and bearing more and more responsibilities and fears.

My professors say I could go to America, Mark said with a frown, but I don’t wanna live so far away, so I’ll try Seoul.

What about you?, Jaemin asked Donghyuck.

I can’t wait to wait tables in Seoul!, he replied, lively but still sarcastic. But seriously, if our financial situation gets better with Mark’s job I can try web college or something or try having my own restaurant. We know that for as long as mum and dad live we won’t risk starving, so we have to take the opportunities.

It was the most heart-warming thing to see Donghyuck calling his in-laws mum and dad, something that healed a scar on Jaemin’s heart because Hyuck never deserved his shitty birth family. Johnny, despite being Hyuck’s unofficial father, seemed to like it too, by the way he was smiling.

Only midway through the night he realized Jeno and Mark’s mother were nowhere to be found, and when they eventually appeared, Jeno was silent and clinging to Mark. Without anyone noticing, Jaemin got closer to them, and eventually could hear what they were saying.

You don’t need to do something so drastic, Mark was saying, you’re my brother, too, I’m here for you, like mum said we’re not rich, but that not the support you need, right? Mum and dad, and me too, we understand everyone deserves a chance to live surrounded by care and compassion, and that what your parents never gave you.

I was afraid she wasn’t gonna like Injunnie, 'cos, you know, people talk a lot.

C’mon Jeno, it’s you, mum’s always been biased with you, you’re her favourite without even trying. She’ll keep asking if you’re happy and if Jun’s treating you right, stuff like that.

If you consider the last few years, I think I should be the one under scrutiny.

Mark laughed, a bit aggravated.

If _mum_ decided to investigate your past both you and Hyuck would fall from her grace, so let’s just not do that, okay?

*

Is it weird, he asked Jeno later that night, that you’ve dated me, and I’ve been in love with Renjun and now you’re dating him? And we’re all still friends?

Nana, c’mon, if we’re gonna think things through, I’ve slept with Hyuck and Mark’s kissed Renjun, and it’s all _very_ weird and sorta disgusting. Just pretend it never happened.

So, you’ve told Mark’s mum...

That I’m bent as a hairpin? Yeah.

I was gonna say “dating Renjun”, but okay.

My sexuality isn’t defined by my current relationship status, I’ve dated men before him. I told her I’m gay and _might_ have cried and asked to be adopted by her 'cos I’m tired of my parents and I want to have a home for once.

You’re gay? I could swear you were bi!

What? No, what the fuck! When have I ever _looked_ at a girl?

But you were so close to Yeri!

And Yeri is as bisexual as Renjun and Johnny-hyung combined, c’mon, she’s my friend, you really can’t tell the difference, can’t you?

But I was right about you liking Renjun, innit?

I didn’t feel any attraction to Jun until, like, last November, Jaemin. I don’t pretend to not like the people I like, or not be attracted. Did a lot of shit for being like this, but I ain’t gonna lie to you. I dated you because I liked you then, I’m dating Renjun because I like Renjun now.

*

Renjun’s birthday fell on a weekend and somehow Ten managed to convince everyone living away to come and pile up on the bed of a truck Johnny borrowed from his boss. They chose a field far away from town to set their picnic and spread around the grass, Mark bringing out his guitar and convincing Ten and Donghyuck to sing, Johnny and Doyoung bickering about how to get rid of the insects, Kun babysitting Chenle and Jisung. At some point Sicheng and Renjun started rolling on the grass play fighting after Sicheng accused Renjun of forgetting him and giving all his attention to his _boyfriend_.

Jeno was on the hood of the car, laughing with his eyes closed. Jaemin sat beside him, silent. He didn’t feel particularly interested in playing around that day, only on the biscuits Hyuck had baked. Dusk was falling, shadow turning his friends into spectrums of laugh and warm, of hope.

Later, when all of them had full bellies and the sun had bid them goodbye, Johnny had stolen Mark’s guitar and the songs got mellower with his baritone voice. Jisung fell asleep like a baby, and Chenle’s dolphin laugh got lower.

Jaemin sat with Renjun, who had his head tipped back against a tree.

I’m tired, he confessed to Renjun.

Does your back hurt?

No. I’m just tired.

Renjun didn’t turn his face to him, but one of his hands came to press Jaemin further close, nudge Jaemin’s head onto his shoulder.

Then sleep, he said.

Closing his eyes, Jaemin thanked the heavens for his best friend. He slept and dreamt of forgiveness.

**Author's Note:**

> Written with Icarus, Flaws (Bastille), Only Ones Who Know, Do Me a Favour and Cornerstone (Arctic Monkeys). Series name and overall imagery from God Save Our Young Blood (BORNS & Lana del Rey).


End file.
